i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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