my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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