I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My balls are so social today.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You are the jesus of drinking
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
