Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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