He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
