i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
