Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You had me at "let me see your balls"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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