How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
