just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
