I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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