I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
