I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You made out with two different species that night
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
