i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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