I feel like I'm in dance class right now
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
