Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
