I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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