Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
