I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
