I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
