i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
