our cab driver is having phone sex.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My ass is underappreciated
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
