I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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