Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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