Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
