I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
