what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
