I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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