JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
