Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
