i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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