I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
