Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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