Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we're making bets on your personal life
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
