Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
