I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
