Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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