I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
