I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Screwed.edu
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
