I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
