I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
