He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
