your parents love me but you hate me
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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