my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
