Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
