I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
