got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
