I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
