just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
