I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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