Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Randomize
