I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
