what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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