i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
