Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
