I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
