Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Randomize
