Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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