Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
