wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
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I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
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My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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