Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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