I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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