his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
